Looking Within for Missing pieces

My coaching sessions often bring out magical experiences and deep insights into human behavior which are equally amusing for my clients and me. But the real beauty of a session comes out when just a slight nudge by me pushes a client into deep self-realizations, so much so that they then do not need me to explain any further. Their challenges and situation become clear to themselves, empowering them to take corrective steps wherever required. I recently had a similar session with a client, which turned out to be a beautiful self-realization story.

My client, a young lady, came to me with complaints about how she felt not respected by her spouse, and she was fairly agitated by his behavior. "I want my husband to respect me, which he doesn't. I cannot just let this happen. I need to do something about it", she said at the start. As I engaged her further in the conversation, I acknowledged her trouble and asked, "So you want to do something so that your husband respects you?” "Yes," She replied.

I further asked her, "Suppose you have done that something, and your husband starts respecting you. What do you see him doing in respect?"

She said, "He expects me to do the housework all day long while he is busy and not present at home. He hardly spends time with me and is not seen in the house". She continued, "He should spend more time with me"

I asked her, "So, let us say he is not spending time with you. How would you want him to spend time with you?"

She replied, "We hardly do anything together. We never go for a movie, or for a walk, or for that matter even for a meal outside."

I paused and said, "Essentially, you would love to see a movie or go for a walk or have a meal outside with him," and I continued by asking her, "Different people have different ways of enjoying the walk. How would you enjoy your walk with your husband?"

She replied, "I would love to walk holding his hands."

I confirmed, "So you love to hold his hands?"

She replied, "Yes, that's when I feel he is present for me."

I asked, "When he is present for you, what does that mean to you?"

She replied, "I feel loved."

And tears started flowing from her eyes.

That moment made her realize that she might have come here feeling that her husband is not respecting her, but deep down, the reason she was unhappy or why she was here was because she wanted to be loved. That realization that her misery was not because of an external factor but a deep-rooted need within her, created magic in that moment.

We often do not realize that whatever we are experiencing is not what seems evident to us at first; instead, it may be something that is far more deep-seated within us. The root cause of our uneasiness isn't an external factor but something that is more connected to ourselves. Whatever we experience as a lack or incomplete on the outside is often something within us that needs to be nurtured or fulfilled.

The problem with not realizing the true reason behind our agony is that we spend a lot of time fixing issues that are evident on the surface. However, no amount of effort helps as we are far from the real problem. It is like there is a muddy leak at the bottom of a pit. When the surface around it gets dirty, we instantly get to scrubbing the area clean. But as soon as we revel in our achievement at the cleaning job, the muddy water resurfaces. We get irritated and annoyed but get back to cleaning it again. Unfortunately, the muddy water keeps coming back, and we get stuck into the cycle of cleansing-dirtying-cleansing-dirtying over and over again. After a while, we get tired of doing the same task, and we give in to the situation. We tell ourselves that this problem will persist, nothing will change, and we accept it as our reality, living our life miserably with it.

Some of you may wonder that it is only logical to check leakage in the pit, but the fact is when we are ourselves in the middle of a crisis, and this leakage is an emotion, most of us are unable to see through the top layers of the problem. Most of the time, we never realize that there is a leak at the bottom of the pit, and thus we never address the real issue.

When we are unsettled, we usually try to reason out with others or consider something outside of us to be the cause of it. We then spend a lot of time addressing that external factor. In the process, we indulge in emotions of irritation, annoyance, disheartenment, exhaustion, depression etc., ultimately leading to stress and burnout. We do it without realizing that what we are trying to influence or address outside is beyond our control. But the moment we turn inwards and unearth the multiple layers we have within ourselves, our perspective changes, and we finally come face to face with things that truly matter to us. This brings about a unique calm and clarity to us.

In the case of my client, she spent so much time discussing external things like respect, the inability of her spouse to talk to her nicely, his unavailability, and everything else which was around her husband. But the moment she shifted her focus and oriented things towards her, she had a major realization that it is love (something that is dear to her) that is missing. That realization, when she sensed that it was something within her, made her feel herself and understand herself better, making those tears roll down her cheek.

Another challenge associated with not looking within is that our focus is always on everything else except us. In such scenarios, we tend to fix wrong issues, which may aggravate our problems, like straining our relationships with others. For example, in my client's case, had she only looked at fixing the respect angle, she would have taken steps to fix it, which could have further created a divide between the two of them, thereby reducing the possibility of love coming her way.

Thus, it is important to shift our focus from the external environment towards our inner self to bring the ultimate calm and inner peace. The root cause for most of our troubles lies within us. Recognizing the real problem and fixing it can take us a long way to a happy and content life. But to do that, we need to open up, and we need to make an effort to seek within. Sometimes small guidance from someone professional can help you reach that part of you that needs to be taken care of. When we give space to where we exist, the truth comes out. Like when my client was open to express and explore her problems through conversations, the truth emerged in front of her. Ultimately, it is only when you are connected to yourself, you experience things that matter to you.